The Dilemma of Acceptance
Posted by thefunnygirl on Monday, July 19, 2010
I have no adjectives left. No more cute and silly things to say about this ride. No more excuses, no handy or clever comebacks. I just pray that I am not talking in my sleep. I have completed the first 4 stages of grief.
Denial. I am not obsessive-compulsive about this TV show contestant.
Anger. This is not OK! It is not fair that he makes me cry!
Bargaining. I will set limits. I will only tell certain people. He fills my soul so it is OK.
Depression. I have failed at setting limits. I have let my freak out with no curfew. YouTube is not exercise. My family and friends think I am nuts. I am having ‘impure’ thoughts. People think I am a cougar. Why don’t people understand how much deeper this is? This is terrible. Only my on-line friends understand.
Acceptance??? I thought I was there. Then the photo shoot tweetpics, then the Rexburg vest, I mean, concert. The confidence on the new songs, the epic Be Still My Soul which is the total opposite of the vest. HE IS TWO PEOPLE, so maybe I can be two fans? David’s book includes his thoughts about fans. He gets us. He really does. He knows that age is irrelevant. He knows that his gift is spiritual, emotional. He loves us too. I’m not sure he knows how distracting his good looks are. It is irrelevant to his journey and should be to mine. I know this in my head. My eyes disagree wholeheartedly. Here is where I am stuck. I can’t give myself full acceptance of this journey, of my love, of my passion for all he represents to me, of my commitment to his success, of my fanship, of MYSELF because he is so terribly and painfully and wickedly handsome to me and that makes me feel guilty. Because society, religion and my age tell me that I should. His looks shouldn’t matter, and I’d still love him and support him and cry at his voice if he were an ugly troll, but he isn’t, and I can’t seem to stop noticing that, and it just keeps getting worse as he matures and his confidence grows. It is a part of the experience of watching him sing now. The beauty just magnifies the whole experience. Sometimes I don’t care, I’m entitled to my own private thoughts, and I’m not hurting anyone! (see anger and bargaining) and other times I know that the focus should remain on the voice, the spirit, the emotion.
Some people are able to put things into nice categories. The voice and talent and spirit and emotion and the beauty are pieces of the puzzle of this angel we call David. How we each rank and place value on these parts is based upon our past, our values, our religions, our world-view, our stereotypes, judgments, and emotions. What we each receive from and on this journey is unique and personal. We have opened ourselves up to each other and to family and friends because we want to share this, we want to understand it, and we want to explain it. We want acceptance. Some of us have given up on ever getting it from our families and friends and coworkers. Some of us never cared what anyone thought.
I no longer care what anyone thinks. In fact, I like to wear my I Heart DA VIP shirt around town, just to shake people up a bit. Let them think what they want, I can’t change their minds, and I don’t want to. I have learned that people are VERY ageist and judgmental. But God knows my heart and my intentions and knows that his looks will always take a far second place to what his voice does to me.
What about your self-acceptance? Do you have yours? How did you get there?